To choose itself: why it happens so not easy?
One of crises which there passes the person in the course of work with the psychologist and knowledge of is a need to choose in various life experiences and to realize, designate the borders. What does it mean – «to choose itself» and why sometimes it is so painfully heavy to do it?
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If the person lived 30, 40 years, being arranged under interests of people around, executing another’s will, operating from motives – not to upset parents, not to anger darling, «if only everything it was good», pushing far away own comfort, desires, interests, to start to choose itself it appears a task excessive. After all it means to look at the life a sober view and to understand, how the relations with people around and with themselves on what they keep actually are under construction, what role is executed in these relations by the person?
Let’s say the relations with hotly beloved spouse are possible, only if the woman lives, completely submitting to rules which he established. In these relations it cannot accept any decisions, without having consulted to the husband, in the list of its priorities everything appears that can make more comfortable his life. The economy, a life, children – all on it, thus absolutely is not present time for, the hobbies, interests. In the list of tasks for a week even hour it is not taken away to stay with by itself, to be engaged in favourite business.
Contact too is under construction by a principle «that it was good all around, only not to me»: the woman is arranged under behavior of the husband, tries to please in every possible way emotionally, puts in the relations heart and soul, passing, without noticing and including absolutely normal those moments when with it it is offensive, sick when she does not feel in the address of the same return when in decision-making its interests and so on are not considered. The relations with parents are under construction according to the same scheme: there is a taboo on that parents somehow to afflict or anger, habitually to turn a deaf ear to remarks and causticities in the address (well same mother!.), habitually, when parents act only in the interests, let’s choose the child itself and the life – where to live with whom, where to go to study, and so on.
When the person starts to understand, how his relations with people around are under construction, to catch those moments when shaky borders of its personality are perfidiously broken when close people hurt, offend, humiliate, do not reckon with opinion when it becomes clear that all life of people did not choose, betrayed itself, operated only in another’s interests, very difficult happens to stop and tell:« Stop, with me so is impossible, from now on I choose myself and only myself». It seems that all life swept under a slope. Everything, on what the person leaned – to cave in under surrounding, without leaving in the life of time and forces for the most important person – itself, to build the relations at the expense of complete deleting of the borders and "service", including emotional interests of people around, it appears the incorrect, impractical way conducting in anywhere. If the person completely we depend on people around, from their opinion, approval, an arrangement and all the life it is arranged under others, aspiring to receive heat and love at the expense of a defiance myself, the feelings and interests to stop and start to reconstruct the relations for it equivalently small death.
In this point of people faces the fears. Fear of uncertainty – and that will be, when I will start to think and care of myself, after all life can be transformed beyond recognition… And to live how I live – habitually, comfortably. The fear of loneliness acts forward – I distinctly understand that as soon as I will start to designate the borders to people around, to speak: «It is unpleasant to me, with me so it is impossible», I can remain one. After all if the relations were under construction that I cave in, to change the position in the relations equivalently to that them to lose…
Through similar crisis, doubts and fears pass everything who decided to choose once itself(himself). As it is paradoxical, this decision becomes one of the heaviest in life, lifts a storm of contradictions, doubts, uncertainty in tomorrow. And it is valid, the part of the relations will be reconstructed in a new way – close people will accept after a while a new zadannost in the relations, will learn to respect, be considered, pay attention to your feelings. Someone will be not agrees and will leave your life but as far as such person is necessary to you?
Choosing itself, we really choose new life, with new possibilities and new responsibility. During this period strong support is quite often necessary to the person and from the psychologist, to consult alone very not easy. But the choice pays off a storitsa if to make this most important in life the decision.