Prevailing perspective. The problem in dating is the male role because it is men who rape, not women.

My perspective. The problem is both sexes’ roles: both sexes’ roles lead to both sexes’ problems – the problem for women of date rape, and

problems for men such as date robbery, unequal date rejection, unequal

date responsibility, date fraud, and date lying

Dot# rap*

Here is how the male-female roles combine with thousands of years of sexual selection to lead to the problem of date rape for women.

The social role."

► Reinforces boys’ addiction to sex with girls even as it warns girls against sex with boys It tells everyone sex is dirty and dangerous (herpes. AIDS) and then

► It tells boys. "You take responsibility to get all this dirty’ stuff," which leads to boys being mistrusted and rejected

► Rather than take rejections personally, a young man learns to turn a woman into a sex object – it hurts him less to be rejected by an object

► Being objectified makes her feel alienated and being rejected makes him feel hurt, angry, and powerless When rejection and sexual identity go hand in hand, we sow the seeds of violence – especially among boys who have no source of power. His violence and objectify­ing reinforce the starting assumptions sex is dirty and dangerous, and men can’t be trusted.

All this leads to the male sexual Catch-22. A man is sexually rejected until he proves himself worthy of trust by not going after sex, but sexually ignored until he goes after sex.

Note that this is a two-sex process, not a one-sex process. If we want to stop date rape by men, we have to also stop "date passivity" by women. Thus far. women retain the old option to be passive and take indirect initiatives, yet gain the new option to take direct initiatives. Women, though, are not ejected to initiate. Nor are they told there is something wrong with them if they don’t. So women gain new options without new expectations. Men retain old expectations without new options. Except the option of prison if they do their old role badly.

While the label "date rape" has helped women articulate the most traumatic aspect of dating from women’s perspective, men have no labels to help them articulate the most traumatic aspects of dating from their perspective. Now, of course, the most traumatic aspect is the possibility of being accused of date rape by a woman to whom he thought he was making love. If men did label the worst aspects of the traditional male role, though, they might label them “date robbery." "date rejection" "date responsibility." date fraud,” and "date lying.”

Dot* robbery, date rejection, and date responsibility

The worst aspect of dating from the perspective of many men is how dating can feel to a man like robbery by social custom – the social custom of him taking money out of his pocket, giving it to her. and calling it a date. To a young man, the worst dates feel like being robbed and rejected. Boys risk death to avoid rejection (eg., by joining the army). Evenings of paying to be rejected can feel like the male version of date rape.

Many men are beginning to object to the unquestioned dating expecta­tion on men to assume unequal date responsibility and receive unequal date rejection. They still find that when the check appears on the table women disappear to the ladies’ room. Men have not explained to the world how the expectation to pay pressures him to take jobs he likes less only because they pay more; how this leads to stress, heart attacks, and suicides that are the male version of "my body, not my choice." They know only that women have the option to ask and the option to pay. that men are still expected to ask and expected to pay.